To Attend or Not to Attend, That Is the Question

Q: I would like to know the Church’s position on attending a wedding and giving gifts to a couple (one of whom is Catholic) who marries without a dispensation in a non-Catholic ceremony. Would it be a serious sin to attend and give a gift under the above circumstances?

A: It is not easy to answer questions like yours with just a yes or no.

Each case is individual and requires a particular judgment about what is the best or most charitable thing to do. There are a lot of factors to be weighed and questions to be answered before a person makes a decision to attend the marriage of a Catholic marrying outside the Church.

Among the questions to be answered are: Will my friend or child or relative take my attendance as approval of what he or she is doing? Will my decision to attend encourage the person to go ahead and marry contrary to God’s law and enter a sinful union? Or does the person know and realize my attendance will only be a sign of caring and friendship?

If I don’t attend, will it only embitter that person and drive him or her further from the Church, thus making any future effort to be reconciled with the Church and God harder and more unlikely? Will failing to attend cause divisions and enmity in the family? What action—attending or not attending—is morelikely to keep open communication with the person and, in the end, have the most beneficial spiritual effect?

That is one set of considerations. Another is: What effect will my attending or not attending the wedding have on other people, especially those for whom I have the most responsibility? If I attend, will my children or other family members take it to mean that I see nothing wrong with what the other person is doing?

Is it likely to encourage them to do the same thing in the future? In other words, will it give genuine scandal? Or will the other family members understand that I am not approving of sinful conduct and am merely showing friendship and caring by attending the ceremony?
The closer the relationship, of course, the more the pressure to attend and the more significant the act of attending or not attending.

In my own experience, I have discovered that, outside of close family relationships, attending or not attending a wedding isn’t noticed very much. The parties don’t stop to ask questions about why so-and-so didn’t come. We frequently exaggerate the importance of going or not going and the likelihood of giving real offense by not attending.

Also, to be fair, those marrying outside the Church must have some consideration and understanding for the consciences of their friends and relatives. They should not expect or demand them to do what they believe wrong. Friendship and love are, after all, two-way streets.
Where relationships are closest, kindness and a show of affection are more likely to have the best spiritual effect in the long run. A parent who has hope of eventually leading the child back to God and Church, for instance, might choose—after letting a child know he or she believes what the child is doing is wrong—to keep communication open and to show love and concern, even by attending the ceremony.

In all these cases, I believe we have to respect the prudential decision a person makes and accept that it is made in good conscience whether the person decides to attend or not to attend.